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Thursday, January 15, 2015

Thoughts and Emotions During Pregnancy

I wrote this post just before Christmas last year (December 19 to be exact) and as usual life went on and it got lost in the shuffle. I haven't posted much about this pregnancy (but I will be soon!) and I have a lot of varying feelings about being pregnant this time (especially with two little ones already). But here it is.

I went shopping today. Just me. Alone. No kids. They were at a friend's house for the day. I went to the mall and meandered. I had a short list of a few things I needed, a couple of last minute small gifts to get, but mostly I meandered. In my meanderings I couldn't help but notice every single mother and baby that passed my way. I don't know if there was an unusual amount of mothers and babies out shopping because of the holidays or if I just happened to notice more of them because well, I can't wait to hold another baby in my arms of my very own. But notice them I did and I even stared a few times because my goodness! they're so cute. One little one in particular had my heart melting. She couldn't have been more than 1 year and she had fallen asleep in her mother's arms, her head snuggled into her mother's neck all cozy like. I swear I wasn't following them around Kmart, they just seemed to be hitting the same sections I was. I watched this mother and child who so naturally flowed together, her shifting the baby weight when her arm grew tired and the little one stirring but quickly settling back down to sleep, and I felt this sense of calm anticipation. I know what's coming. I've been there and I can't wait to do it again. Memories came flooding back of my own little ones snuggling into me while nursing or carrying them in my arms while out grabbing a few groceries. Up until now I've felt nonchalant about this pregnancy. Sure I know I'm pregnant, but I mean its not really a big deal. Its tiny right now and hasn't changed my life too significantly yet. But I feel a bit different today. This could coincide with the fact that I felt this one move for the first time today. Just little butterfly movements. I think its more exciting because I remember what it feels like to hold my own brand new baby in my arms versus being a new mom who's about to do it for the first time. It'll be three years since I've done it which makes it that more sweet.

In most ways life seems to go on as usual. The kids require my attention and I have so many things to do around the house. Everything seems...normal. Sometimes I have to make myself stop and realize "you're going to have another baby," a tiny infant that will rely on me for everything and will turn our lives upside down...at least for a couple of months before things start to settle and feel normal again. Dare I say it...I feel like I'm confessing something here...sometimes it doesn't feel special this time around. Well this pregnancy anyway. I have a suspicion that I'll continue to feel this way until I hold this little one in my arms and then everything will change. And I'm totally cool with that.

Almost a month after writing this now and I still feel "normal." Maybe its that second trimester burst of energy and feeling like my old self again. Yeah, I think that must be it. I feel great and ready to take on the world most days.

I wanted to include a few pictures of my own sweet babies when they were newborns for this post and I had such a fun time looking through old photos. Some of them I was seeing for the first time such as birth pictures that a dear friend took when Reuben was born. I'm talking very detailed pictures. Use your imagination. Up until now I hadn't had the nerve to look at them. But looking through them really brought it all back and as crazy as it sounds I cannot wait to give birth again. Each day brings me closer to holding another little baby in my arms and the excitement is building.

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Lily - 9.5 hours old
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Lily - 4 weeks old - on vacation to visit family in Arizona
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Lily - 9 weeks old
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Reuben - 4 hours old
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Reuben - 5.5 weeks old
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Reuben - 7 weeks old and Lily - 25.5 months old

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