Saturday, September 8
I decided to venture out and take the kids to church by myself on that cool, dreary Sabbath morning.
What could go wrong right?
When you're a mom on vacation with two little ones and no other adult help never, ever ask yourself that question.
Remember Murphy's Law? Yeeeeah, it decided to rear its ugly head.
First, Reuben cried most of the 30 - 40 minute drive there. Now most of the time that's no big deal. I mean it is a little disconcerting because I want to help him but can't. But I figured he would settle down eventually and he did. I should have seen it as a sign of things to come. haha
Once we arrived at church I had quite the time figuring out how to get both of the kids into the building by myself. Usually I have Andrew there to grab one or if it is just me I have the stroller and I can just put Reuben's car seat in that and hold Lily's hand. But no Andrew and no stroller this time. So I just held Reuben in my arms, grabbed onto Lily's hand, slung the diaper bag over my shoulder and we made it in.
We settled ourselves in the back row of the sanctuary - ya know, just in case we needed to make a quick exit for any reason. Always a smart idea when little ones are involved. Reuben started getting fussy so I went to adjust things to nurse him. I heard a snap as I was pulling my tank top out of the way. I had ripped the seam at the top. Ok, not that big of a deal except it was the only tank top I had brought with me for wearing under shirts and dresses. Whatever. There's a Kohls just down the street from my dad's house if I need more.
Anyway, once Reuben was settled and happily gulping away, I refocused my attention on Lily who was quickly getting bored of just sitting in her seat. I got out a sticker book for her to play with but she quickly got frustrated when she couldn't get the stickers of the page herself and started complaining quite loudly. I explained to her that she needed to be quiet in church so people could hear the music and she quieted down...some. A bit later I was helping her peel stickers of the page and place them on another page and apparently I wasn't doing it correctly because she started wailing loudly so I covered her mouth to quickly silent her. The little brat then bit me! (Up until that point) She'd never bitten me, ever! Reuben, who had finished eating and was sitting in my lap, of course took this opportunity to spit up all over the place. All over himself, my dress, the chair, the floor, you name it, it was covered. The burp cloth wasn't enough to clean it up so I had to use his swaddle blanket/nursing cover too. No sooner had I finished cleaning him up he spat up again. Lily was getting fussy again and by this time I'd had enough so I grabbed them and hoofed it out to the foyer. I put Lily in time out for biting me (who am I kidding, it was really a time out for me ;) and finished cleaning Reuben and I up.
A lady who had seen my plight, came over, introduced herself and said to let her know if I needed any help. I thanked her and let her know that I would be sure to do just that. I meant it too.
After Lily apologized for biting me we went back into the sanctuary to sit down.
You think the chaos ended there? Oh no my friends, oh no. It got worse. Believe it or not.
Lily got irritated at her sticker book again and proceeded to let me know it. I explained to her, again, that she needed to be super quiet so that the people around us could hear the people up front who were talking. She didn't really care. She only cared that she couldn't peel the stickers off her sticker book. So she threw her cup to show her frustration. It almost hit an older guy in the leg. Cue my red faced mortification. I could feel myself getting hotter and hotter. Both in embarrassment and anger. So I took a deep breathe, gathered up my things, not really caring if I left anything behind, and dragged two kids out of the sanctuary. I was sitting out in the foyer again trying to decided what to do and was pretty sure I was going to leave and go home when that same lady came out and approached me. She told me that they had a children's church and would I like to go check it out? I didn't really want to leave since I had taken all that effort to get myself and the kids ready that morning and driven the 20ish miles to get there plus I thought that children's church would probably hold Lily's attention and I could just sit back with Reuben in my lap and relax.
I was doing just that a few minutes later with Lily sitting next to me transfixed by the music and kids all around her when I heard a loud noise and felt a rumble come from the little person sitting in my lap. No. It couldn't be. Please dear Lord no. I mean we'd only just sat down! Then I looked down hoping against hope that what I thought had just happened actually hadn't. No such luck. Several yellow stains on Reuben's outfit were growing larger by the second. Crap...Literally.
So there I was dragging a confused toddler and a poopy baby under one arm down the hall trying to find a bathroom. Once I found it, and we were locked in the largest stall with the changing table, I started using every single wipe I had in an attempt to get Reuben cleaned up. While I was doing this Lily decided she needed to go pee pee. She was still in diapers at the time so behind my back she proceeded to strip off her diaper AND every article of clothing she had on including her necklace. Because you have to be naked to go pee pee, don'tcha know? And then somehow, despite being naked, she managed to dunk the hem of her dress in the toilet. After she had already peed. And before she had flushed. Yup. By this point I was done with Reuben so I threw her clothes back on her, marched the kids and I straight out of the building to the car, drove to the nearest Tim Horton's and ordered the largest and sweetest coffee and doughnut I could get.
The lesson learned here?
Coffee cures anything.